we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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