i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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