I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
