I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
