That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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