i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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