youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
