do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
