I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
