JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
