Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize