She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
