im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
