yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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