i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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