Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
