i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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