I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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