I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i will never coherently bang her
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Randomize
