p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
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He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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