Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
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She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
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Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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