Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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