i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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