My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
