I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
