Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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