My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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