My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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