things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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