Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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