doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
