thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
