Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
be right there i have to get my cape
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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