matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.