you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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