His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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