it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
