Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
