I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
