if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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