dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
