so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
