I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
