i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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