i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
