i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
