Whatcha textin bout Willis?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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