Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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