sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
