I just made out with a guy for $7.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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