I feel like I'm in dance class right now
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
