Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
