how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
