he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
