a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
