Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
