C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
